Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
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*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Knock Knock
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.