SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
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[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.