Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
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ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?