Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
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[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there