@Megatronic13: Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
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@ArfMeasures: INTERVIEWER: So...that's it. Any questions for me? ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch? I: um no that's not ME: I bet they use a puppercut
@caperbc75: "Hey Frosty, calm down on the snacks. You're getting fat. Check out this six pack! You could do laundry on it!" - the Abdominal Snowman
@FrazzleMyGimp: [before electricity was invented] ME: [presses hand dryer] GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
@LeBearGirdle: With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they're gonna scream my name and I'll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista's cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse