Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
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Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Not messing around
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
😬
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.