A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
there has never been a better use of this meme
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine