Don’t get too excited about my shoe size ladies, I have to be able to fit orthopedic insoles in there

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It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.


Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this


My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair


her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas


[police sketch artist interrupts me again] ok now you’re definitely describing sonic the hedgehog


At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration


Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”


Once a baby dragon flew out in front of my car and I screamed. Turned out it was just a pheasant.
I have lots of good stories like this.