Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

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Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan


Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha


*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business


[first date]

her: so, do you swing?

me [trying to impress]: i prefer the seesaw

her husband: that’s not what she meant


I remember 9 months before I was born, I went to a party with dad and left with mom.


I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.


I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.