Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
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Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
her: so, do you swing?
me [trying to impress]: i prefer the seesaw
her husband: that’s not what she meant
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I remember 9 months before I was born, I went to a party with dad and left with mom.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
My body is a temple
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.