Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
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*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
who wore it better?
i will not be silenced
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
When they try to steal your moment.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔