Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

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*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!


ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No


Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes


Closing time, son
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox


“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.


My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.


Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.


The location of a pimple on your body is directly correlated to how much your body hates you.


Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it