Kuwait a minute. Yemen to tell me if Iraq up this war debt Iran the economy into Syria’s trouble? Oman, can someone tell me if this Israel?
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
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[guy who named the bedroom gets home]
Honey? Our son got in trouble at the learnroom. His teacher called while I was driving in my wheelsbox
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
What possible bit about trying to buy a large number of ice cream containers and two boxes of tampons says I want to chat you up, douchebag?
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.