Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
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Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?