@MrsGoose69

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

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@jonnysun

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

@JoyceCarolTotes

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

@daddydoubts

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

@jackmackenroth

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

@MonicaLewinsky

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

@dadsrpeopletoo

A Nightmare on Elm Street is a Christmas movie. Freddy wears a red and green sweater, and gives parents the gift of taking away their crippling financial burden.

@EndhooS

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

@pterotactful

poseidon: has anyone seen my trident

zeus: the spearmint or tropical fruit

@adam_bloomquist

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

@clichedout

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?