Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
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Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.