Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
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[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.