Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
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If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
“WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME RIGHT NOW?”
-the first person to drink coffee
cop: you know why I pulled you over?
me: u want dating advice
cop: what… no
me: just be yourself
cop: im a cop
me: you’re right don’t be yourself cops suck
me: be the opposite of yourself
cop: a criminal?
me: you know why i pulled you over?
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
i don’t need a “previously on…”
ive been watching this show for 9 hours straight
Boss: Why are you late?
Me: Why are you so obsessed with me?