@treydayway

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

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@lisaxy424

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

@Darlainky

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

@TheAlexNevil

“WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME RIGHT NOW?”

-the first person to drink coffee

@tweetsaboutdog

cop: you know why I pulled you over?

me: u want dating advice

cop: what… no

me: just be yourself

cop: im a cop

me: you’re right don’t be yourself cops suck

cop:

me: be the opposite of yourself

cop: a criminal?

me: yea

criminal:

me: you know why i pulled you over?

@nbadag

me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that

@thenoahkinsey

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

@ddsmidt

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

@LowkeyNerdy

i don’t need a “previously on…”
ive been watching this show for 9 hours straight