Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
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This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”