Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
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Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.