@GinRumMe

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

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@JasonLastname

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

@RunwayDan

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

@LostCatDog

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

@LuckoftheDraw86

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

@5hael

My ceiling fan has three setting:
– very slow
– slow
– I’m about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident

@Vodkantots

It’s like 10 thousand spoons when all you need is a chainsaw.

@Marlebean

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

@DaddyJew

Apparently when your boss asks if you’re on drugs “which drugs?” isn’t the appropriate response. I know this now.

@Thynebear

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

@BikiniBabeLover

“PIZZA” IS ACTUALLY AN ANAGRAM…

P – PLEASUREFUL
I – INTERESTING
Z – CANT THINK OF ONE
Z – CANT THINK OF ONE
A – “AGG”-CELLENT