Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
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My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Home #decor warning.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two