Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
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“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways