Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
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A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery