Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
You Might Also Like
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.