When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
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I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.