@andylassner

Don’t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.

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@LizHackett

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

@NJFreudian

Which doesnt belong?

Camel
Polar Bear
Obama
Buffalo

Camel……It’s the only one on the list that knows something about the Middle East

@SkunkFarts

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

@jwoodham

DUMBLEDORE: Say hello to our new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher, Professor Totally-Not-Working-For-Voldemort.
SNAPE: Dude, seriously?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

“FOUR MORE YEARS!!! FOUR MORE YEARS!!!…” – Honey Boo Boo’s teachers her senior year of high school

@arielleBigBlue

If I could, I would avoid every conversation by making that beeping truck sound while slowly backing away from people as they approach me.

@HatfieldAnne

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils

@jnudey

please excuse me while i search for a new psychiatrist

@AristotlesNZ

I speak both universal languages:

1. English
2. Louder & slower English

@DaddyJew

*coughing uncontrollably for 10 minutes*

*neighbors peek outside*

*shakes my head no and holds up blunt*

*neghbor gives a thumbs up and goes on about their day*