@andylassner

Don’t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.

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@DevilryFun

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

@TheToddWilliams

[Arthur’s Court]

SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table

SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…

@craigrachel

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

@dumbbeezie

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

@DaddyJew

7: what do you want for your birthday?

Me: idk a new car

7: ok *walks away*

[ 2 min later ]

7: what do you want that’s under $6.42?

@davidschneider

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

@shanethevein

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

@Adyaces

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid