@andylassner
@HomeWithPeanut
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
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@HomeWithPeanut
@amishschool
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
@SarahB_D
#growingpains
@seamussaid
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
@PoliticalGroove
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
@Angibangie
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
@kieransofar
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
@TheMichaelRock
CW: I spent all weekend raking leaves.
Me: I don’t rake.
CW: Leaves will kill your grass!
Me: I wonder how grass survived before humans.
@FBSisnothere
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
@jus4golf
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer