It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
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At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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7.
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10. He is a cat.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
A great tip. #CakeRex
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
mom gave me mine for free
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*