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Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.


[Arthur’s Court]

SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table

SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…


I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon


My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor


7: what do you want for your birthday?

Me: idk a new car

7: ok *walks away*

[ 2 min later ]

7: what do you want that’s under $6.42?


Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.


I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.


The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.


Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid