@andylassner

Don’t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.

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@amishschool

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

@seamussaid

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

@PoliticalGroove

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

@Angibangie

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

@kieransofar

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

@TheMichaelRock

CW: I spent all weekend raking leaves.

Me: I don’t rake.

CW: Leaves will kill your grass!

Me: I wonder how grass survived before humans.

@FBSisnothere

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

@jus4golf

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer