Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Don’t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
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SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
7: what do you want for your birthday?
Me: idk a new car
7: ok *walks away*
[ 2 min later ]
7: what do you want that’s under $6.42?
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid