imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
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My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Camping tip: No.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure