@BatBatshitcrazy

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

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@DothTheDoth

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

@ohwrigley

Mommy? Does Barbie come with Ken? No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.

@PinkCamoTO

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

@MaybePileJokes

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

@thenatewolf

The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar.

“I got that when I fell off the toilet,” I whisper.

@1Happytwit

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

@IncrediblyRich

If Bob The Builder’s slogan is “Can he fix it?” then he’s not really a builder is he? More of a repairman.