Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
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I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition