Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
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Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Mommy? Does Barbie come with Ken? No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar.
“I got that when I fell off the toilet,” I whisper.
I put the U in murder
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
If Bob The Builder’s slogan is “Can he fix it?” then he’s not really a builder is he? More of a repairman.