Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because you were the only car in the lot and I parked so close you couldn’t open your door.

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*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!


me: *kills two birds with one stone*


Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT


{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please


Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*


Real doesn’t scare me, real stupid does


You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.


Things not too say before a 3some: Of Course we’re going to wait for your friend, she’s the hot one.


LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping


Everyone knows she can’t get pregnant if she’s on top. It’s called gravity, stupid.