Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because you were the only car in the lot and I parked so close you couldn’t open your door.

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Has your mom ever mailed you McDonald’s gift cards in a letter about why she’s pissed at you or are you normal?


Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.


Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.


I walk into the main office of a new school:

Secretary: You a sub?

*cheeks blush*

Me: Who have you been talking to?


I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.


The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.


After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.


I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown


My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.


I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.