@Neauxpe

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because you were the only car in the lot and I parked so close you couldn’t open your door.

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@WilliamRodgers

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

@DanMentos

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

@OhHiAlyPie

Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT

@KickSumHunibuns

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

@PleaseBeGneiss

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

@tsm560

Real doesn’t scare me, real stupid does

@capnwatsisname

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

@EvilPandaX

Things not too say before a 3some: Of Course we’re going to wait for your friend, she’s the hot one.

@DanMentos

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

@Sal0630

Everyone knows she can’t get pregnant if she’s on top. It’s called gravity, stupid.