@robwhisman

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

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@ThisOneSayz

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

@dumbbeezie

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

@carbsley

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

@ThugRaccoons

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

@JJSummertime

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

@TheCrumbDiary

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

@omgshuddup

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

@CornOnTheGoblin

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

@Reverend_Scott

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?