don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
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Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Worth remembering.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥