Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
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News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
thanks auntie mary
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.