Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
You Might Also Like
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Never ghost your hitman.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Lmfao
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife: