Sing it!
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Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Pringles
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I love you…
…r dog.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.