detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
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Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
a badder mouse
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation