@meganamram

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

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@bobvulfov

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

@MissAllison07

When I try on an outfit and it doesn’t make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don’t deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you’ve done.

@Mr_Kapowski

“Will you marry me?”

“The cookie was poison”

“The lotto numbers will never win”

Examples of why I got fired from writing fortune cookies

@mrtimlong

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

@MikeOdenthal

i hate sex and have no libido but i still date because i love explaining to women why the music they like is bad

@TheAlexNevil

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

@Bratch_Patch

“Friends are a dime a dozen.” *pulls out a sack full of dimes* “Sweet, I’ll take 32 dozen friends please.”

@Marcmywords2

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.