Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

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(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang


When I try on an outfit and it doesn’t make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don’t deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you’ve done.


“Will you marry me?”

“The cookie was poison”

“The lotto numbers will never win”

Examples of why I got fired from writing fortune cookies


When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”


i hate sex and have no libido but i still date because i love explaining to women why the music they like is bad


Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.


“Friends are a dime a dozen.” *pulls out a sack full of dimes* “Sweet, I’ll take 32 dozen friends please.”


Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.