After seeing some of the names on kids these days, you wonder if their parents were going all in for the Triple Word Score.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
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WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!