Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
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If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
We have a winner.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
oh shit
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.