The doctor says I’m depressed because I don’t have enough iron in my diet so I’ve started nibbling on the gun in my mouth.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
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Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn’t serve booze and the worst singer won’t get off the stage.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[12 doctors in a meeting] alright. which one of you idiots leaked the 1 weird tip to lose weight that doctors wont tell you. IDIOTS!
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
John Lennon: Imagine all the people
Me: Ok but this is extremely boring