@Tups13

Don’t hesitate when you come to a fork in the road. Be bold. Pick that fork up and take it home. Free cutlery!

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@Sophie2078

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

@lenazun

nobody:
an unmuted programmer on the zoom call: CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACKCLACKCLACK

@ShortSleeveSuit

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

@sweetg35

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

@eliyudin

I spent so much time bowling as a kid that the first time I fingered a girl I accidentally threw her down the hallway

@stephenjmolloy

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

@MandiAtRandom

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

@Gupton68

[plane crash]

survivor: it was horrible

rescuer: it’s ok, you’re safe now

s: but we had to eat the other passengers

r: hush, you did what you needed to do to survive

s: I suppose, the only food left in the galley was Hawaiian pizza

r: how awful, you clearly had no choice

@KelgoreTrout

“911 whats your emerge-”
I THOUGHT I COULD TAKE THESE PANTS OFF WITHOUT TAKING OFF MY SHOES

@neilhimself

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.