@twylaredsun

Don’t insult me by looking into my eyes. This bra cost me $65.

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@drinksmcgee

My kids are in Karate class and I’m just sitting here thinking that I could kick the shit out of half these 6 year olds.

@TheAndrewNadeau

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

@ScottLinnen

Turns out telling a friend “you’re giving off a weird vibe tonight” is not the most direct way to tell them they’re on fire

@Lola_Areola

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

@MyMomologue

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

@rolldiggity

[Opens “Where’s Waldo?” book to page with Eiffel Tower.]
“Paris. Easy. Next!”

@nayele18maybe

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

@sweetmomissa

I never understood “baby” as a term of endearment – like am I cute and innocent or there’s a chance I may cry a lot and make a huge mess in my pants. I need answers.

@simoncholland

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what