Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
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i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single