Don’t insult me by looking into my eyes. This bra cost me $65.

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My kids are in Karate class and I’m just sitting here thinking that I could kick the shit out of half these 6 year olds.


me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way


Turns out telling a friend “you’re giving off a weird vibe tonight” is not the most direct way to tell them they’re on fire


Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks



Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back


[Opens “Where’s Waldo?” book to page with Eiffel Tower.]
“Paris. Easy. Next!”


My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.


I never understood “baby” as a term of endearment – like am I cute and innocent or there’s a chance I may cry a lot and make a huge mess in my pants. I need answers.


I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.


Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what