@AimeeHelene1

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

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@sfreeze6

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

@ilovepie84

Cashier: and why are you returning this item?

Terrorist holding a blowup doll: the description was misleading

@AssOnHat

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

@JasonLastname

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

@UncleDuke1969

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

@ShortSleeveSuit

Bank robber: I got the money! Let’s get outta here!

Me [waiting outside on our getaway unicycle]: *rings bike bell*

@TheNYAMProject

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

@ol_boo

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

@Marlebean

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

@DaddyJew

[buying college textbooks]
That’ll be 100 million dollars

[returning college textbooks]
We can give you half off on this pencil case