(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

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Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.


[karate sign up table]
“Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class”


ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”


For women, the worst part of a breakup is probably that incessant little voice whispering “Do something stupid to your hair.”


in 2001 i was in a coma dying from meningitis and someone played “in the end” by linkin park and i woke up to tell them to turn it off


If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.


I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman


Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!

F2: no water

F3: no chemicals

Me: Your hair is filthy.