(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

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Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.


Cashier: and why are you returning this item?

Terrorist holding a blowup doll: the description was misleading


Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub


Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok


inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced


Bank robber: I got the money! Let’s get outta here!

Me [waiting outside on our getaway unicycle]: *rings bike bell*


My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet


*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.


“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.


[buying college textbooks]
That’ll be 100 million dollars

[returning college textbooks]
We can give you half off on this pencil case