DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
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I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Goodnight 🐶
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I bet