Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
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Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
lmfao come on