Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
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I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.