I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
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I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
fair
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
That’s enough internet for the day
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.