Don’t judge me because I like 80’s music. Judge me because I had a late term abortion because a baby would ruin my holiday plans.

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Prayed over the 8-piece Chick-Fil-A nugget I bought, then opened the box and found 12 nuggets. This is my testimony.


SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide


If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.


Facebook: “Hey why are you making dumb jokes?! Some of us are praying over here!”
Me: *backs away slowly*
[My Twitter origin story]


My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?


I’m just going to cut out the middle man and start cashing my paychecks at the liquor store.


My dog just puked on the floor.

Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!



GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?


Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.