Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
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I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
My background check bounced.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
eggs benadryl
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.