[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
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Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.