Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
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My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?