@LoveNLunchmeat

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

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@DanMentos

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

@moose_chocolate

I’m a slow runner unless I think I left my phone unlocked in the next room, in which case I’m Usain Bolt.

@Dawn_M_

Age 10: I’m going to be a rockstar
Age 20: I might learn an instrument someday
Age 30: I hope a piano lands on me

@Turbo_Jimmy

*Wife thumps door*

“I KNOW UR IN THERE! U BLEW OUR SAVINGS ON A SHITTY INVENTION, DIDN’T U?!”

NO! *furiously flushes 1000s of dog-tampons*

@SoFarFetchd

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

@Havish_AF

Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…

@thetits

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*