“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
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I’m a slow runner unless I think I left my phone unlocked in the next room, in which case I’m Usain Bolt.
Age 10: I’m going to be a rockstar
Age 20: I might learn an instrument someday
Age 30: I hope a piano lands on me
*Wife thumps door*
“I KNOW UR IN THERE! U BLEW OUR SAVINGS ON A SHITTY INVENTION, DIDN’T U?!”
NO! *furiously flushes 1000s of dog-tampons*
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*