Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
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“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.