*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
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me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
friend: i am going to Imagine Dragons this weekend
me [can imagine dragons whenever i want]: nice
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.