Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

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*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses


me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems


Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.


I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.


friend: i am going to Imagine Dragons this weekend

me [can imagine dragons whenever i want]: nice


I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”


Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.


I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.


I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.