@OMGSoOverIt

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

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@Heaterhotusus

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

@ClichedOut

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems

@lordratsquirt

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

@TheBoydP

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

@50FirstTates

friend: i am going to Imagine Dragons this weekend

me [can imagine dragons whenever i want]: nice

@YourMomsucksTho

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

@wendchymes

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

@ExBoltsFan

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

@AllanForsyth

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.