Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
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Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.