“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
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Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*