“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
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I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?