“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
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Before crowbars crows drank alone
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
What if the weather talks about us?
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?