I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
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Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.