RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
You Might Also Like
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Anime is real
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.