Dont kill anyone in a jealous rage.

Calm down and plan that shit first.

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Writer: “Is it ‘firsthand’ or ‘first hand’?”
Editor: “Either one is fine.”


Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed


Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist


ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.




[toon world police department]

chief of police: can u describe the explosive device?

me: it’s like a bowling ball with a fizzy string

chief of police: listen very carefully, i want you to lick your thumb and index finger ….


My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.


“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies


My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream