Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
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Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Geez man, take it easy.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.