@Shot_Of_Cabo

Dont kill anyone in a jealous rage.

Calm down and plan that shit first.

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@NCSox

Writer: “Is it ‘firsthand’ or ‘first hand’?”
Editor: “Either one is fine.”

@grillyjoel

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

@AlisonChrista

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

@sonictyrant

[toon world police department]

chief of police: can u describe the explosive device?

me: it’s like a bowling ball with a fizzy string

chief of police: listen very carefully, i want you to lick your thumb and index finger ….

@mack44_d

My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

@TravLeBlanc

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

@bader_diedrich

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream