Writer: “Is it ‘firsthand’ or ‘first hand’?”
Editor: “Either one is fine.”
Dont kill anyone in a jealous rage.
Calm down and plan that shit first.
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Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
[toon world police department]
chief of police: can u describe the explosive device?
me: it’s like a bowling ball with a fizzy string
chief of police: listen very carefully, i want you to lick your thumb and index finger ….
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream