I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
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[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Sorry. Not sorry
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*